Support

(A mostly happy positive one — sorry. I’ll get back on brand next week.)

I’ve been doing guided meditation with the Balance app (only on iOS, unfortunately), and it’s been extremely helpful for my sleep. After months of not sleeping properly (2-4 hours a night since late November to late December, and then 4-6 hours most nights), I’m now sleeping again. I even feel sleepy and not merely tired — I’d forgotten what that feels like.

But often, the coach on the meditation recording will say something like “Feel the support of the surface beneath you. What does it feel like?” And in my meditation, I think, “It feels like it’s pushing back.”

Well, actually, it’s not letting me fall, of course. But it feels like I’m pushing my weight on it and it’s pushing back. Resisting. Refusing to fall through.

So that got me thinking, what does emotional support feel like? It’s not exactly the same thing: not always like someone’s holding me up so I don’t fall. Sometimes it feels like they’re merely cushioning my fall. Sometimes like they’re holding on to me, helping me balance.

(If you’re a rational, scientific person, sorry for that touchy-feely nonsense. But then isn’t “touchy-feely nonsense” the point of this newsletter?)

What kinds of support are you grateful for in these tough times? Who are the people you’re grateful for for supporting you?

I’m grateful I have a good therapist to help me get through this, and who’s taking my long-standing issues seriously. I’m glad that not only is she competent, but she’s available: appointments are frequent and easy to book, and she sends me links and resources and responds to questions outside of the session. (Not excessively, I’m good at boundaries; but this was another problem with my Useless Ex-Therapist.)

I’m glad I have N. It goes without saying now — almost. (But if you have someone good in your life, it should never go without saying. Make sure you tell them often.) But he’s been extra patient recently, and in spite of him being the one with the job, he quietly gets on with whatever needs to be done with the house so I can take a day off to sob or wallow or read or watch TV (usually some combination of the above.) And he always finds time to listen.

I’m grateful for B, who’s the third in our little family, even though she lives so far. But in spite of her busy life and her own troubles, we check in with each other often, and she is available to listen to deep-shallow nonsense as well as to have actual deep conversations or discuss politics or whatever.

I’m grateful for other friends, who’ve been reaching out extra recently, it feels like —sharing the minutae of their lives so I feel part of it, sending invites to online games, whatever. I feel like I’ve been much more social the last week than I have in a long long time, lockdown or not.

I’m grateful for friends who respond immediately when you ask for help or a (virtual) hug. (Like the friends who got me therapist recommendations — I know you’re reading. I’m grateful also to the friend who told me I should see a therapist, even though I didn’t want to hear it.)

Apart from the meditation app, I’m also finding another very useful recently: Epic Win, which gamifies tasks (“quests”) and makes marking them as done so much fun I’m actually cleaning (cleaning!) to earn points. Try it out if that sounds like something you could use.

In some ways, I was geared up for this isolation better than most people: I was already spending most of my days at home reading and writing and cooking and lazing about. It’s made virtually no difference in my routine. But it’s still hard sometimes.

One of the ways staying home is hard is this perceived need to discipline ourselves: to measure ourselves against this ideal schedule of productivity and creativity and healthy habits and partnering/family time and always feel like we’re falling short. Sometimes – often – I’m not as careful about my arm as I should be (doing my exercises, not spending too much time on my phone). None of us deal perfectly with difficult situations: please remember that and don’t blame yourself. Like this artist says, surviving is an accomplishment.

I see friends and strangers complaining about not doing enough, not sleeping right, not being productive, indulging in junk food. Let’s not assign moral values to acts that don’t hurt others, and perhaps only hurt us, if temporarily. Life is always hard; it’s extra hard right now. Be as kind as you can to everyone, including you. Comfort is necessary.

I was reading this wonderful book about sex, and it had some important advice that I think applies to a lot of situations. We spend so much time and energy comparing our feelings/behaviour to “the normal”. Who cares about being normal? Do what works for you.

Funnily, I’m cooking less than before and deriving less joy from it. It feels more like a chore now, partly because the whole process of getting ingredients has become so fraught (food-buying is a risky and difficult and anxiety-inducing activity, what are these times), partly because we don’t get great produce or everything we need anymore (and I feel so selfish for even saying this, because we’re well-fed after all), and partly because I only like cooking when I’m happy (which is why I mostly don’t like cooking, even though it usually makes me happier when I do cook).

I had started making cooking videos (at a friend’s request) and I was making a set of this beautiful pork thing that I sort of innovated based on something I used to order in Kolkata (I like my version better). And that was the night Modi announced the lockdown and I was so frustrated and angry and so embarrassed about my rich pork-eating self when now people can’t easily buy food! and most don’t have the money to anyway! Anyway, if you like and can get pork even now, I’ve finally put them up on YouTube:

https://www.youtube.com/playlist?list=PLE4Oc-x3o4m1EuEARftnvBvGgqiXP7ZpL

But here’s an easier thing to make with ingredients you can probably scrounge up right now (basically noodles and any veggies you like, plus cashews or almonds if you have some):

https://www.youtube.com/playlist?list=PLE4Oc-x3o4m0zwYGGMKpGIt9aFAU1Kwi7

Now tell me: how are you coping? are you holding up okay? What’s helping you? If you’re not feeling like you’re doing well, can I call/text/help in any way?